Write a Movie in 3 Easy Steps

1. Use these helpful phrases to write the synopsis:

• unlikely pair
• one last job
• ragtag bunch
• down-on-their-luck
• rightful place
• against all odds
• adventure of a lifetime
• makes them realize their love
• the championship game
• from the small town to the big city

2. Now that you know what it’s about, people your movie with these useful characters:

• supervillains who monologue when they should be killing
• preturnaturally articulate children who are never told to stop being a wiseacre
• women who have conversations – and much more – in bed while remaining perfectly coiffed and made-up
• action heroes who remain unscathed throughout Armageddon except for artsy scratches along the cheekbones
• mouthy but useless tween boys or pixie-cut women who refuse to stay in the safe place they’re put, and must be repeatedly rescued
• eccentric neighbors of later life who deliver crusty but wise life advice
• best friends who everybody but you knows you’ll end up in bed with

3. Now you know who’s saying what, set your movie with these handy props and locations:

• an over-the-shoulder shot of a laptop screen, in which a very flashy graphical UI depicts the back end of an extremely secure system that will be hacked into within seconds
• a vertically sliding door under which the hero will inevitably slide
• airports without lines, grouchy TSA employees or delayed flights, and with very long corridors to sprint down
• firearms with indefatigable magazines
• baseball fields, shopping malls and other public places devoid of advertisements
• homes that are way, way larger than the breadwinner’s salary could possibly afford

Don’t forget to thank me at the Oscars.