On Fears

I found this title request that someone sent me I-don’t-even-know-how-long-ago: “What I’m now scared of, and what no longer scares me.”

Things that no longer scare me.

• Flying. I used to be petrified of takeoffs and landings. But once you’re your brother’s first passenger, anything else is easy.
• The dark. Living alone means you get used to a lot of things. The dark is one of the least messy, expensive and unpleasant.
• Spiders. I still don’t like them as well as they deserve, but a vacation with wolf spiders and tarantulas got me far more accustomed.
• Public speaking. As a kid who didn’t go to school till fourth grade, I quit every activity that required a recital, and was too scared to stand up in class. But running events; cold-calling reporters; presenting when millions of dollars is on the line: if you work in communications you become a public speaker. It’s still a big deal, but when I feel prepared, I almost like the rush.
• People watching me do anything physical. Given an out, I still avoid it. I still hate it. Talking in front of a crowd is far easier than moving in front of one. But I’m not too scared to do it anymore.

What I’m now scared of.

• Dying slowly. Yeah, sorry, downer. But that’s it. That’s my biggest fear. Getting sick and never getting better. Having to keep fighting. I’m petrified of it. I’ve seen what it’s like and I wouldn’t wish it on the worst person in the world.
• Emptiness. Many people have their own families; I don’t. I’ve been in love before; I’m not now. I’d like to leave the world a better place; I don’t know if I will. I think, at bottom, everyone hopes their life has enough meaning.
• Losing what I have. All that said, I love where I am, who’s in my life, how I spend my days. I am crazy blessed in so many ways… so many, in fact, that I get terrified of the myriad ways in which I could lose them.
• Disappointing people. I realized the other day this is one of my driving motivators. I don’t think that’s entirely healthy.

What a depressing prompt… I can see why I avoided it! Happier things next time.