To Lock It All Up
I’ve been a solo entrepreneur for nearly five years full-time. My career of doing CrossFit mimics that pretty closely. So, interestingly, has my meditation practice. I didn’t realize how much they coincided until writing this.
There’s another similarity between them.
Whatever I do, it’s not enough, it’s not as good as I wish it was.My work should always, always be done better. So should my workouts. So should my meditation. I’m enormously, constantly, impatient with myself. I want it all, and I want it now.
Basically, I go full Violet Beauregarde:
I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It’s my bar of chocolate
Give it to me now
Of course, that attitude is as counterproductive for me as for Violet.
Meditation teaches me how important it is to let go of “attachment to outcomes.” To appreciate the process. But I think it’s important to acknowledge that sometimes that’s really, really hard. And that even when I can manage to do it cognitively, sometimes it isn’t accompanied by any feelings of peace.
Sometimes I break down in frustrated tears because the outcome is not there (or not there yet, or not there right this instant). I want it so badly, and I feel so ineffective. I can understand that I should let go, to appreciate how far I’ve come, how often I succeed. But that doesn’t mean I feel it.
In every process, we all experience “conscious incompetence“. And as a perfectionist with a raging case of imposter syndrome, I almost never feel anything but consciously incompetent.
I’m trying to remember that not only is the imperfection okay – the frustration is too. It’s not only okay. It’s part of the process too. And getting comfortable with it, not beating it, may actually be the goal.
What do any of us want at the end of each day but to feel like we locked it all up? But how often do we ever really do that?
How do we get okay with that? Perhaps the answer is, we have to get okay with not being okay.
P.S. Today is the 16th anniversary of my website. Yeah, really. Thank you for being here.